The ghosts of music

Still on a high after tonight's performance, I decided to finally put down in words what has been lurking at the forefront of my mind lately.

It's really strange. None of the stuff I'm about to mention is new (to me, at least), yet, in the past two or three months it has inched its way into my consciousness, slowly but surely. And it is now in a front row seat so that I can't miss it. It's looking me straight in the eye and there's no avoiding it, no way of pretending it's not there.

I am, of course, talking about music. Particularly about me and making music. And even more particularly, about me and making classical music.

I've been a country music fan since I was 16 years old. It was the kind of music I needed at the time, the kind of music that spoke to my teenage heart and soul, the kind that kept me from falling when I was spiralling out of control in my emotional life. I discovered that I could write music back then. Pen to paper and I wrote countless songs, mainly lyrics that dealt with unrequitted love and breaking free and everything else that any other teenager feels at that age. I still have that love in me. I can go back and listen to some of those songs that I used to listen to back then and wooosh, flashback, I'm back in my teeny tiny room at the age of 16, swooning for some boy or other. It still touches me the way it used to and it's as sudden and as unexpected as can be when it happens. Because at the forefront of my current life, country music doesn't really play a big role anymore.

In its place, classical has squeezed its way back into my life, without any warning. I guess I need to backtrack for that (and if you haven't by now figured out that this will be a loooong post, be officially warned now!).
I grew up hearing from everyone around me that I was so musically talented. My grandmother used to rave about my musical ear from the age of one or so when she took me out on a noisy street and found me sticking my fingers in my ears and taking them out, apparently testing the difference of sound. I don't know. She's my grandma, she'd say that. On the other hand there's no denying that music is the one and only constant in my life. At any period during the past 30 years, every single day, music was part of my daily life. I remember being the soloist at kindergarden, standing on stage in front of the choir of other children, not quite understanding what I was doing apart from them. Apparently I was very good, or so I'm told. I don't remember much about the actual sounds I made lol
It continued in school where again, I was singled out to sing solos. And I loved it. When I was 6, I started piano lessons. I guess this is what really brought classical music into view. I remember my piano teachers, the music schools I went to, the "competitions"/exams I took part in. I also remember having to practice in the living room while I could hear my friends play outside on the street and calling my name. I wished nothing more than to join them but to make it easier on myself, I kept picturing myself as a virtuoso pianist later in life, highly successful on world stages, performing in front of thousands and my friends were there, front row, applauding me, being green with envy. It was this fantasy that made me continue.
I very much owe it to my parents that I continued to take piano lessons and after 6 years, started to actually ENJOY it for the sake of hearing the music. I had always loved "Fur Elise" and so even though my teacher didn't think I was ready for it, I got the score and started practising it in my own time. I had managed to teach myself a fairly good version of it in the end but that didn't matter for long.
When we moved to Germany, the piano had to go. I was heartbroken. Just when I started to enjoy it, I had to give it up. The move was of course very difficult, our lives after that, for many years, were just as difficult financially. A piano was not an option at any time, because of the space, the noise and the money issue. Though I am told that my grandpa, bless his heart, insisted they get a piano so I could continue to play. Alas, that never happened either.
For the next 4 years music was nothing more to me than listening to the TV, casettes and radio. I got into "pop" music, as you do at 13, and completely forgot all about classical. Then country came and I took up the guitar so I could write.
In all those years, there was one thing that would overwhelm me on a regular basis though. The yearning for a piano. When that emotion came, it came full force and almost blew me away with its intensity. I remember standing in front of a piano store once and actually crying, people watching me like I was crazy or something. But to me it seemed so impossible to reach this dream. And then, just as quickly as that feeling came, it disappeared. And then I'd have peace for a few months, maybe even a year and then it would come back again. As I grew older, and after moving to the UK, the yearning for a piano became stronger and more frequent.

At that point in my life I wasn't exactly happy and I managed to cut music out of my life almost completely. It was almost like I was punishing myself for something. When I took an "Artist's Way" class online, everything came crashing down on me. I realized that I had sabbotaged everything in me that was giving me pleasure and happiness. At that point I knew that I had to change something. So I joined the Woking choir and then bought myself a digital piano. Things were starting to look up.
As soon as I had bought that piano, I started looking for piano teachers and started downloading music scores like crazy. I borrowed them from the library, found them online, copied and printed them out. I came across old favorites, pieces I knew I had played when I was little and I remembered how to read music. It wasn't long before I started wanting to take music theory lessons again. And so I did, kinda, with my choir sidekick Sel, who had studied music. In our lunchbreak she'd show me this and that and I tried to remember. Needless to say, the opportunity to come to the US came along last year and that was the end of that. My digital piano (his name is Cas, in case you wanted to know lol) is in storage over there in the UK and I've got a cheap keyboard here to at least allow me to practice my choir parts.

So I guess what has been happening here in the past few months is something very logical and obvious. My love for classical has always been there. When the country station here started pissing me off because everyone they played sounded the same, I switched to the classical station here in Boston. Not that they are great, far from it. They're nothing like the UK's Classical FM! But the music is simply brilliant and it remains brilliant. It is very much the only thing I listen to in my car, or at home or at work.
What has started to freak me out a little is the sudden "coincidences" that I run into nowadays. Like finding books that I want to read in the library and they turn out to be about music (I'm one of those people who judges a book by its cover so I don't always know what's in a book when I pick it out). Or I go into some store or other thinking about a particular piece I'd like to hear and it comes on (seriously spooky, I swear!!!). And then there is of course my current obsession with Beethoven. I could write another looooooooooooong post about him but I'll spare you for now. Suffice it to say that I'm in love. Everytime I hear Beethoven music my heart sings with joy. There's just no other way to describe it. And even if it's the 5th symphony, I'm still full of joy, no matter how many people say that that piece is angry. All I hear is pure, unadulterated passion and I want to hug the world because it makes me so happy.

I can't really avoid it anymore, can I? I know I was meant to make music. I know it's the one constant thing in my life and always will be. I have gotten to a point where I really want to study music. Theory, history, voice, instrument, the whole shebang. Needless to say I now live in a country where college costs an arm and a leg and there's no way I can afford it. Yet I wonder if that's not just another excuse and if I'm maybe just standing in my own way.

After performing 3 Mozart pieces tonight (Ave Verum Corpus, Ave Maria and Missa Brevis) I'm realizing again how much I love doing this. The most wonderful compliment came from a lady tonight that approached me after the concert and said "You were wonderful to watch, you know? You were smiling and looking like you really enjoyed singing!" Does it get any better than this??? I don't think so. So maybe I just really need to get my ass in gear and start doing something about it. I've been sitting on the sidelines for way too long...