Sunday, August 28, 2005

Sunny days

Between the bleak, grey days of my current life, a single sunny day crops up unexpectedly here and there. Like yesterday...

I have always loved the Houses of Parliament - they are the most beautiful building I have ever seen. Everytime I am in London I make the time to take a look and see them and everytime it feels like I'm part of some amazing fairy tale.

And yesterday I was lucky enough to get to see the Houses of Parliament from the inside. The tour lasted well over an hour and the inside is breathtaking. Not as beautiful as the outside but nevertheless fantastic!

Sadly, taking pictures inside was not allowed so the only pictures I managed to take were from the outside. Once I get the non-digital pictures developed I'll post them here but for now, Big Ben and the London Eye will have to do...

Saturday, August 27, 2005

And then...

... I'm so amazed at true friends.
I cannot believe you just got on the plane to give me a hug and be here for me.
Thank you - it means the world :-)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I am so disappointed...

... in so-called "friends".

Saturday, August 20, 2005

He's done it again

Everytime I need him, everytime I'm at a loss with myself and don't know what to do and how to go on he's there.
He makes me look into my soul, into my heart.
He points out the good in me, the dreams I've yet to realize. He gives me the strength to keep going, to keep believing in myself.
I don't know what I have done to deserve this incredible person in my life but I am truly thankful he is there.
As I turned to him this morning and listened to "It was your song" I knew again what I'm supposed to do, who I am supposed to be. Listening to his voice is the next best thing to actually having someone physically here to comfort me.
Thank you, Garth...

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Rock bottom

I would like to say I'm speechless but I'm not. Everything but that. I cannot count the amount of times I have cussed and sworn today. I am so full of hate and anger and rage and disappointment that I digust myself. I don't want to know this person that is currently inhabiting my body because it's the kind of person I personally despise. I want to cry but what's the point? There's nobody here to make me feel better, to hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I'm on my own.

Things have been getting worse at work daily. This isn't just making things up, being a drama queen or over reacting. This is REAL.
Today, my manager actually THREATENED me. As ridiculous as this may sound, he did it.
The new so-called team leader could not deal with me (pathetic looser is being hated by every single person in the team) so he went crying to our manager. Who in turn used what means the most to me to threaten me.

See, I have applied for a position in the US office. It would finally mean the realization of the dream I've worked for the past 13 years of my life. I've always worn my heart on my my sleeve about that dream. I don't think there's anyone that knows me and doesn't associate this dream with me, me with this dream. We're one.
And because he is no good at his job, my manager chose to "remind" me that I had applied for this job and that he could make it all burst like a bubble if I continued disregarding the team leader's "orders".

The problem is just so complex and so long that it's not worth explaining it all here. I sure as hell can't be bothered to write it all down.

All I know is that I have never in my life felt so much hate towards two people. I know tomorrow things will be different, I know I'll eventually calm down but at the moment it burns my eyes, my throat, my skin. Every fibre of my being is pure anger. I shake with the rage of it all and I want to hurt those two people physically so badly that I make myself ill.

And at this point, I wonder if I still want to work for a company that allows such tactics to be used and such despicable human beings to be employed...

Sunday, August 14, 2005

My torture chamber...

Since I've gotta study there everyday I thought you might as well get a look at my "workspace" for the uni project.
As for progress: it's bloody slow but I'm getting there!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Getting married

Well, maybe you're one of those thinking about it, or maybe you'd just like to make fun of those poor souls who are about to get tied down.
Either way - watching others tie the knot will either speed the process for you or will put you off for life!!! Enjoy! *grin*

The Wedding Chapel

Thursday, August 11, 2005


Well, I would like everyone to know that I have FINALLY managed to normalize my database. Granted, it should've taken 10 minutes (took me TWO WEEKS instead) but at least it's done.
At this rate, I will finish my project with a short delay of about a year.

Database design - mastered.
MySQL - mastered.
Next challenge - PHP.

Heaven help me...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Quick rant

I am surrounded by cowards at work... *shakes head*...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

So bloody frustrating

I wanted to watch the landing of the Discovery today.
The website had live coverage throughout the entire mission and this morning I faithfully plugged my headphones into the PC and watched Mission Control wave off the first and second landings in Florida AGAIN, due to bad weather. Next landing opportunity was California.
Sadly, I had to miss it and for WHAT? A stupid team meeting in which someone talked for WAY too long and where it was decided that we HAVE to work weekends and will NOT get the day back but will just be paid. I want to swear and cuss and wish bad things on certain people but I'll refrain from posting it on here ;-)

Discovery landing versus getting another kick in the face - what a trade-off...

Monday, August 08, 2005

My grandmother used to say...

... that I was a born academic. She based her view on the picture below, which she loved.
But all I see is myself 18 years ago and all I can think is - this exact look is currently on my face as I desperately try to understand ANYTHING from the 16 books I've borrowed from the library.
Born academic - I don't think so!!!

Saturday, August 06, 2005

How to waste time and money when you haven't got any

Follow these rules and you will most certainly succeed:

1. Go to Kingston Uni website and check the uni library's times during the holidays. Make sure you look at the July schedule even though it is August. Find it open on Saturday after 10.15am.
2. On Saturday, go to train station and buy a return ticket to Surbiton for £4.70.
3. Get off in Surbiton and walk to uni for approx. 15 minutes.
4. Go to reception and let them tell you that in August the uni library is closed on Saturday!
5. Start cursing and using bad language, then try to stop tears that threaten to fall due to the frustration experienced.
6. Sit down and try to calm down, then turn around and go home.
7. You have now managed to waste at least 2 hours of your day.

P.S. Between step 3 and 4 make a little detour into Kingston's Bentall Center. Near the handbag section you will find that if heaven exists, that's what it must look like :-D

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Things I found out about myself...

1. I truly enjoy being alone. I know that's really no news but in the past 6 days I realized that the concentration I got into for this stupid uni project wouldn't have materialized had I been surrounded by people and their demands. And with both phones switched off, the internet turned off too (most of the time anyway - I can't always resist temptation) I felt truly content and very much "me-focused". Something I hadn't done in... I don't know... months. Maybe more than a year. And definitely something I need.

2. And kinda based on the above mentioned point, I also found out how my brain works in terms of "day to day demands of life". I'll explain.
On Friday morning I woke up knowing I had 6 days just to myself. No work, no other commitments. Just me and time. And the project. I actually managed to get so much done the first three days. I was really suprised at myself.
Then on Monday I suddenly started feeling... strange. Not commited anymore. The want to keep going with the project lessened by the hour. And I couldn't figure out why!
Well, I found it out yesterday. After spending the entire day doing NADA and feeling terribly guilty about it, I realized that it had to do with the fact that in my weirdly switched brain the fact that going back to work was nearing made me wanna "enjoy" the last few days I had off. I knew if I actually had the next two weeks off, my brain wouldn't feel that I needed to "seize every opportunity to have a few hours to myself" but it would know I would have those hours for the next two weeks. See what I mean?

Oh well, even if not - I wasn't aware of that before so I had to capture it for future reference for myself.
I'll say - THAT's why I need a millionaire husband. Knowing I could have all the time off in the world would actually make me work harder and better. But then that contradicts point 1 so let's forget the last sentence *sigh*.